Revisiting Grief

I have been struggling with an eczema flare these last two weeks. This time, it’s on my face and armpits, I am not sleeping well, my stress levels are going up, and my despair is increasing because I don’t know how to “fix it”.

Starting school has been wonderful, but apparently it is kicking my butt. Perhaps I hadn’t recovered from our cross-country move. Perhaps it’s all money-related. Perhaps I ate too much of something. Perhaps, perhaps…

The real problem of stress is that as soon as it manifests other symptoms (your body trying to tell you in a louder voice that something is not working), you get more stressed trying to fix it/change it/stop it/help it/ignore it – it becomes an obsessive cycle and OF COURSE the symptoms won’t go away!

So you take a step back, breathe, tell yourself that it will be okay (because it always is eventually), tell yourself that this doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re sick again (re-obsess a little over that thought – oh gawd, I can’t go through that AGAIN!), remind yourself that this WILL happen again and you WILL deal with it again (and freak out once more because you WILL be dealing with “symptoms” and “illness” over and over and over for the rest of your life), cry a little (but feel selfish and unjustified because there are people a lot worse off than you), get angry at your loved ones instead (and feel terrible about it), breathe, breathe, breathe…

Okay…you think you’re okay…sort of…you’re dealing with it, it’ll pass…hey, your symptoms might be a little better today!…oh, nope, false alarm…sigh, breathe, it’ll be okay…

And around it goes.

This has been my internal dialogue the last couple weeks. Ugh, I NEED to get over this, right?! Eventually I will.

In my Ayurveda class on Thursday, we were learning about the process of disease – what happens when a section of your body has a build up of “stuff” (internal/external factors) that it can’t process fast enough and that part of your body is over run (that bucket is full and spills over). This “stuff”, the contents of that bucket needs to find a new home. It seeks out the weakest part of your body and takes over there. (Perfect example of Autoimmune Disease manifestation where your immune system starts attacking tissues in your body because it can’t recognize them as safe anymore).

As we were going through the steps of this process, I was mentally relating it to myself and the process my body went through to develop Graves’, the same process that resulted in eczema and hives and a ridiculous amount of sensitivities. The process that my body must still be struggling with as this flare is trying so hard to tell me. I wish for the millionth time that there was a way to tell what’s happening BEFORE disease fully develops. Then our teacher says, “the amazing thing about Ayurvedic medicine is that we can see this process as it’s happening; so many diseases and illnesses could be prevented or treated earlier”.

I immediately started crying.

Or rather, I needed to but held it in so as not to make a scene.

Suddenly all the pain of the last three years flooded back in and all I wanted to do was grieve for my loss of self. Just for a little while. I started to on the way home, however in these situations my husband tends to think what I need is to be told that he’s only human and he can’t fix it any more than I can. What’s done is done.

Well. I am aware of all that. How could I not be? And I know he was just trying to help, trying to make me feel better and tell me that everything will be okay.

But, RIGHT NOW, it’s not okay. And I am ALLOWED to feel grief, even if I have already been through that “stage”…it really never leaves completely because nothing will ever be the same again. I can pretend all I like. Some days/weeks/months/even years will be okay. It will probably even get much better. But, RIGHT NOW…right now the only way to let it go is to let it out.

I know this isn’t the end. I know it will all be okay. I know I’m not dying yet. I know I need to practice self-love and seek happiness and “live lovely”. And I want to.

I was so upset with him for still not “understanding” that I just needed him to support me, not fix me. Upset with him for not listening when I tell him that I just need time, or even a moment. Upset with him for thinking he can’t do anything to help and so not trying anymore. I couldn’t cry after that. I was all pent up with irritation again. And guilt for feeling irritation because it really wasn’t his fault. I wrote it out, but I couldn’t finish feeling what I needed to feel because I was suddenly having all my attention drawn to how HE felt.

So I have put those feeling back on the shelf for another rainy day. I know it will come eventually. Perhaps I did grieve just long enough for me to regroup and focus again. Time will tell, and as we all know…everything will be okay. Just not today.

Nature always knows…

I sat on a quiet bench in a warm, sunny spot and watched a bald eagle soar and circle over the Gorge. What a beautiful moment in a less than lovely few weeks.

Nature always has what one needs in their life. Always. Trust in the earth if you trust in nothing else.

I have been feeling foggy and blue on a fairly consistent basis the last few weeks. Not everyday, but most of them. Today, I decided it was time to get off the couch, get out for a walk, and treat myself to some Kombucha. I was craving strawberries, but they aren’t in season yet, so this was a tasty (and much more healthful) substitute. AND IT WAS ON SALE!!

I called my Mom and we vented and cheered one another for two whole hours! She too was feeling bolstered by the sunshine, despite drama and health issues invading her head-space and leaving her weepy the past two days.

Today has reminded me that it does always get better. Sunshine and a light breeze is liquid gold. A walk cures most things. Nature always knows.